Don Frost Comedian

You Always Look Mad

Anger, now that is a human emotion that always manages to make me laugh.  Now, I know mad people, do I ever!  Everywhere I look I see mad people; on the road, walking down the street, winning the lottery, etc. I have even known a person that was only happy when they were mad. Now that is funny!  It’s like that Rage Against the Machine lyric says, “Anger is a Gift”.  I especially think it’s hilarious when you get mad at a non living thing and it successfully manages to turn you into a mix between the Hulk and a frustrated Donald Duck. 

I was 20 years old and happily cleaning my first apartment.  I was grabbing things from the top shelf of my closet and all of a sudden the pile of books, yes I own books, with an old stereo on top started sliding off the shelf.  With my quick reflexes, I thought I had caught the pile of crap.  But no, that would have been too easy.  Like all things funny in this world that do happen, the stereo on the top of the heap hit me square in the head!  Wow!  Let’s just say that poor stereo is still in the ICU trying to recover from all of the damage I inflected upon the poor clumsy JVC.  Poor thing never had a chance after the first punch I landed on it.  My animal instincts kicked into turbo gear, there was a loud roar as I grabbed the stereo and it trembled with fear!  I pounced on it, making sure that the first hit was not a killing strike. I wanted it to suffer!  Wires, knobs, cords and plastic parts went everywhere.  There I was, staring down at my prey, hunched over the still breathing carcass of the stereo.  It seemed like all the angry molecules that had filled the room froze time.  I felt the drip of drool slowly fall from my mouth; I licked my lips and tasted the blood of the stereo.  I then proceeded to shut my eyes; I wanted to savor that moment and that taste.  With lighting speed, my fist shaped like a spearhead tore into the flesh of the stereo and tore out the heart of the beast.  I held it high in the air and let out the loudest bellow that could be heard all the way to the mall.  I knew that all the shoppers in the mall must have frozen with fear for a moment, and then were probably quickly distracted by something shinny to purchase, forcing them to carry on with their consumer business.  As, I came back from the animal kingdom I was able to overcome the redness in my eyes.  Looking down at my hand, I took a closer look at what I had torn out and realized it was a Vanilla Ice tape.  Thank god I saved it, I love that song!

df

Ring Ring

Sleeping all day, waking up to a man?s voice talking about making millions of dollars doing nothing, brings a smile to my face.  I love infotainment!  Yes, these great half an hour TV shows that range from business ideas, silly little gadgets to products that clean, clean, clean!!! What fun!  I recommend spending more time watching these amazing shows, then grabbing a juicer, then purchasing the back saving vacuum and having the time of your life at home.  Then grab your banjo fishing systems and go out to spread the word to other ill informed consumers.  Don?t be afraid of any of it.  Spread the usability of all the amazing things out there to buy, break, lose and/or give away to the Goodwill.  Which then, the item/s will be sold to another low income consumer that will enjoy hours of fun.  It feels great to spend money for hours, wander around from store to store, and throwing handfuls of money at overpaid employees. If it were up to me, they would be working for free.  I feel that if more glorious corporations would only let us beat or at least verbally abuse overpaid employees for their lack of customer service, then it would be worth it. Now I know what you?re thinking, that?s just mean!

I was recently involved in a business disagreement with my cell phone provider, because they decided to shut off my link to the outside world.  So I called them and explained that I was too busy using the funds I usually allocate for wireless operations on an amazing new business idea.  An idea which will allow me to now sell quality goods at the flea market to all, that?s right!  Blankets, little wizards that hold marbles and cute little bears with witty sayings around their neck are just a few of the items in the inventory I plan to have.  As I finished the story I realized, that was a mistake. I just told a major corporation a great business idea!  I could see the management, who screened this call, running through the hallways yelling and yelling for any one in upper management to hear this amazing idea.  Meanwhile, the top level executive is faxing, mailing, and carrying the idea to The Man in charge.  As The Man sits on his thrown, He opens up the envelope and pulls out the paper that has the transcript of my conversation with a customer service operator.  His greedy eyes fill with a gleam of money making possibilities!  The Man looks at the executives bowed at his feet and mutters, ?Bears with witty sayings?!  Bring me a phone pheasant.?  Thepowerful leader of corporations bellows so loud that all thecollections agents in the dungeon drop the phones. The corporate leaderdials my number, he listens for the first ring, and then suddenly a women?s voice says, ?I?m sorry the wireless subscriber is not taking calls at this time.?  He screams, ?NNNNNOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!?, then falls to the ground and weeps; because he knew that it was His phone company that severed my service.

Not knowing what had happened, until the reporters came to my front door where I stood shirtless and half awake, one of the hundreds of reporters asked, ?Any comment Mister Frost??  I took two steps to the podium, which I was going to take to the Goodwill later that day, cleared my throat, raised my hand high in the air and out of my mouth spewed, ?People of Earth, there are four different versions of the George Forman grill, this makes no sense to anyone!? I turned around and shut the door.

df